Claire Williams - The Body Knows: Claire's Story of Choice, Coercion and Somatic Healing

And welcome to this episode, everybody.

Just a little bit of an intro to this before we speak to our lovely guest.

This episode touches on abortion as part of our guest's personal story, but our conversation today is really about the body's response to trauma, nervous system protection, and the different ways healing can help.

With no experiences around pregnancy and loss are deeply personal.

And this conversation isn't about telling anybody what they should or shouldn't do.

It's about understanding how our bodies hold experiences and how healing can look different for everyone.

So welcome to this episode, Claire.

Um, very honoured to have you here and thank you for willing to share your story.

This is a... Um, to obviously baby loss, but something I feel very passionate about sharing still because it's still a baby loss.

It's still a taboo subject that people don't like talking about.

So I feel that this conversation needs to happen today.

So thank you for sharing, to be here today.

So before we do, going to a bit of your story.

Tell us a little bit about yourself and the work you do now because that is just incredible.

Oh, thank you so much, Heather.

lovely to be here.

Yes, my name's Claire.

Clare Williams, my business is Claire Sophia Coaching, and I'm a yoga teacher and asthmatic trauma therapy practitioner.

So I kind of liken myself to a hypnotherapist, but for your body and your nervous system.

So we're sort of doing the nervous system rewiring, if you will, rather than from a mindset perspective.

It's what we call a bottom up approach.

Um, and yeah, I kind of fell into it by accident, to be honest, because I was like, like many people, I think it was during lockdown, I, you know, I've always struggled with anxiety and like, if I've never been diagnosed with anything, but probably I'm like generalised anxiety, um, and yeah, through the years, I've tried meditation, I've tried lots of different things, uh, went into lockdown, and yoga was just my lifeline, and I realised, I made that connection between the body and the mind and how it really

helped me relax, not just when my body felt relaxed, my mind felt relaxed or if I couldn't balance, it was like, 0 yeah, maybe that's because I'm feeling anxious today.

So, I actually went down then to the root of yoga teacher training.

Did that for a few years.

Um, and then I kind of stumbled upon.

I trained in somatic yoga and all somatics means is of the body.

But it's not just the physical body.

So much is our entire being.

It's mental, it's emotional, it's spiritual, it's energetic.

It's like, it's not about how it looks, it's about how it feels and your experience in your body.

So I started doing this training because I was like, oh, it's somatic coaching, great.

Like I want to do more somatic stuff.

Didn't even realise I was training in a modality of like, and I was going to coach other people.

And as soon as I did it, and I was in those sessions and I can feel myself now, I just shiver.

I was like, 0 my god.

This is like the relief I've been looking for for 20 years of my life.

And, you know, I am quite neurospicy in ADHD and it is difficult to calm down, but when you actually, because I think of the foundations I'd built from yoga, I just found this medicine, um, somatic experiencing is the main sort of modality I work with.

And it just changed my life. And a few years ago, I just decided, I was, I'm in marketing and comms, like as a day job and I decided to go, yeah, full force into the somatic side because the body lead approach has just changed my life and I just want to share it with as many people as I can.

That's incredible, and we'll talk more about that later on in the podcast as well because it is so important that people are educated about all the different forms of healing and how we can heal the body because trauma is held in our bodies, isn't it?

And that's why a lot of these.

People are diagnosed, like for myself, fibermeralgia.

I was diagnosed with fibomyalgia and I know it's because of all the trauma that's been held in my body for so long.

And since I've been dealing with, um, obviously all my trauma and doing lots of healing modalities.

My fiberalgia is not half as bad as it used to be.

So you can tell you're releasing that trauma from your body.

And it's, it's just incredible, isn't it?

How we can heal the body through all these different practises?

It's just fascinating.

So thank you for sharing that, darling.

Would you be comfortable sharing a little about your story and what brought you to the decision at that time?

With regards to, obviously, what happened for you?

Of course, yeah.

So this is the 1st time I'm sharing this quite publicly.

So here it goes.

Yeah, I mean, if we think that baby loss is a taboo subject.

Oh my god, like abortion and termination is even more so.

And, you know, this is now, I don't even know.

It's like over 20 years ago now.

And my story is a little bit different as well.

Well, every story is different, but it wasn't, I think when we think about abortion, it might be like, oh, she made a mistake or it wasn't wanted, but I was in a relationship.

I was married, um, and I was on the surface, you know, happily married, buying the house, getting married, and I, even when I was younger, I didn't necessarily want children.

I always joked.

I just want to go and travel and do this and do that.

from a young age.

I was a bit of a free spirit.

But then as you do, you know, you get into relationships, you settle down.

Um, and I'm not going to go into personal details about the relationship because of other people involved, but when I look back now, obviously it's easy to do with hindsight, isn't it, that um, there was a lot of infidelity.

There was a lot of, there wasn't physical abuse, but there was a lot of abuse in terms of coercion, gaslighting.

Um, and yeah, basically convincing me that I was the happily ever after.

However, there were other things going on and I think when you also admitted to family and friends that this was going on.

So when it happened again, I just internalised all that and thought, well, you know, I've got to look like everything's okay and prove that I'm this and that.

Yeah, yeah.

And unfortunately, it did get to the point where I was pregnant.

And it was just a massive, it was talking about the body.

It was obviously the mind is like, what the heck, like, you know, I just thought I can't do this. And my body was just like, just new.

Like, that was the 1st time I really trusted my own instincts.

And my 1st question myself was like, do I still have to have this baby?

And there's obviously a lot of guilt with that because at the time, I was like, my mid 20s.

Child, you know, friends were getting married with having children, were struggling to have children.

So like the decision, I just overwhelmingly thought, I do not want to bring this child into the world because I just, yeah, like it just was my choice.

And yeah, obviously it was very difficult.

We had told some close families, some friends.

So also it's then the questions of like, well, why? and how?

And then you have to tell the whole story and then obviously going to my parents, thank God for my parents, you know, like everyone was all my close family and friends, very supportive of my decision.

Um, so yeah, obviously losing my husband, my home, my baby in the space of weeks was a huge trauma, um, and yeah, like obviously going to things like clinics and having the questions again of like, oh, so why are you doing this?

Hello, hello, I'm literally on this operator, like, you know, like, um, so yeah, just very, very challenging to explain why because of the way things looked on the external surface.

So, I think it was just a huge lesson for me in agency, in not, yeah, like trying not to feel that guilt for everyone else, because obviously I've taken the main grief for me, was taking that away from my parents, you know, a grandchild and this kind of thing and obviously for my then husband, like, you know, he was also like, yeah, whatever you decide, but it was just, you know, a very obviously already a very traumatic point of like,

ending the marriage and making that decision.

So yeah, it wasn't, wasn't easy at all, but it was the 1st time that I actually really listened to myself over what someone else was trying to tell me they wanted.

Um, and I just, yeah, like just, I'm so, so sorry for little Claire, for younger Claire, that, you know, it got to that point to make that decision.

Oh, you've been through so much.

Thank you for sharing that because that's really brave.

So thank you for sharing that.

And it's a dusty and such an important topic, isn't it?

And you know, So many people do judge people, but everybody's story is different and there's always a story behind, isn't there?

Um, and obviously you were going through so much trauma as well through, you know, a marriage, you know, do you, like you say, did you really want to bring another work, you know, person human into that situation?

So, Thank you for sharing that, darling.

Looking back now, back then when that was happening.

Do you think people misunderstood anything like your choice or what was going on for you?

Did you get lots of criticism or? Do people understand the situation?

Not the time.

I think the people that were closest to be understood.

I mean, there were, obviously, you know, it's um, for people who I had friends, like I say, who were struggling to have children, I knew, people who had had miscarriages.

So there were definitely people who just distanced themselves, as I know all the guests have said, you know, at the time, there's lots of support, but then afterwards, like, you don't talk about it.

You just get on with it.

Like the initial sense of after, you know, the procedure, um, for me was relief was just to be out of that situation and obviously lots of mixed emotions, but the overwhelming, like and people that, you know, were very supportive, but there were definitely people that, um, yeah, like, and I could totally understand that, you know, because of their own experiences, um, couldn't maybe understand why I'd made that choice. Um, and I think in terms of the, I know you've mentioned this on previous conversations around sort of the clinical

side and the support that you get, i.e. on, you know, and having to go into that environment on my own, because I was, I was 25.

So I was an adult inverted commas.

Um, so when you go to those places like I didn't have parents there with me for the day, you know, I was on my own, um, just very much quite a clinical thing because, you know, like I say 20, well, not quite 20 years ago.

I'm ageing myself there.

So yeah, there were people in those rooms, you know, obviously younger girls with mothers, but I was just on my own in that day. And very much felt like, I guess, yeah, it's just very, very sterile environment. And oh, the only question I really got asked is like, do you want this to appear on your GP record?

In other words, do you want to keep this secret?

And that is what I really feel is just the secrecy and the shame around abortion.

Um, you know, you're just in this little room and, you know, it's all sort of because I get it, people don't want to shout about it, but there was literally no other, at that time, there was no focus on mental health or support.

I don't even remember getting a leaflet or anything.

It was just the questions around before.

There was lots of questions before and are you sure? and why is this, but you this many weeks and, you know, just more like sort of judgemental side of things of like, why are you doing this?

And I was like, look, no.

And again, I felt really proud of myself because I was like, I just knew my no and I was like, this is happening.

But yeah, there was definitely, um, a lot of sort of isolation and just having to deal with it, and I did actually take myself off to counselling, so I paid like, there was no like NHS counselling, but I got some counselling after.

I always, you know, really believed in that kind of personal development, coaching and counselling.

So I did get some counselling at the time.

And even then, I remember, you know, being a young woman and having to look like you've got it together and strong, and I remember my counsellor saying towards the end of the sessions.

You're either really good at masking, or you're really dealing with this. And I think it was definitely a blend of both because I am, you know, very strong and like, yeah, like people say, oh, you're brave, but it's like, well, it's not brave

I just getting in with my life.

I'm just surviving.

I'm just actually, right, once I make a decision, I know what I'm doing.

Um, but yeah, obviously through the years, um, you know, not really talked about it, just got on with it.

And said another relationship, another marriage, like I don't have children now, and we'd made that decision not to have them, but in the same breath wasn't ever really able to speak about that situation.

So there has been a bit of, obviously, grief now as I'm in my 40s of like the life that I might have had.

If I had chose to get pregnant again.

You know what I mean?

So I don't regret it, but I do definitely grieve. Um, yeah, like the life that maybe I would have had with my own child.

But yeah, it's something that only recently, to be honest, like with the sort of more body led approach work that I do, more has come to the surface.

So, you know, again, we just press it down like, oh, okay, I'm fine.

I'm getting on, like, I'm glad to be in that situation, like, almost gaslighting yourself to keep yourself safe and protected.

Um, but only in the recent months has some stuff come up and I've actually been able to work with it because my body is finally feeling safe enough to look at it, you know what I mean?

Like, I didn't need to talk through or do this or do that, but my body is now like, ah, okay.

And then the brain's like, oh, for God's sake.

I dealt with this.

I was like, clearly not.

Things come up, darling, you think that you deal with things, but they have a funny way of showing up, don't they?

And it's like, nope, you've not quite dealt with that yet.

We're going to bring it back up for you because you need to do a little bit more work on that.

So let's just talk a little bit more about what you do and the healing.

Obviously, most people are familiar, like with talking therapies, aren't they?

Counselling, you know, people have heard of that.

How does somatic healing like differ?

Obviously you've explained a little bit before in your intro.

So how does it, for people that might not understand it and understand like counselling, talking therapies, all that kind of thing, how does it differ?

Yep, so I'll go back a little bit and talk about my experience with it a bit.

So as I said, like our system, very neurocentric, very sort of mental health, which is amazing, like the amount of information now and awareness we have around mental health.

Because I spent many of my 20s, my teens.

I had panic attacks.

I had all this stuff going on.

I didn't know why, um, and I kind of got put down the route of beta blockers and medication like at 20 and it was like, that's crazy to think now 20 years ago.

access we had to any support.

So, as I say, it definitely went around the talk theory, Peru, the counselling, um, and yeah, like I realised that even though I'd done all this work and I also am into Reiki, Reiki trained as well and energy and very spiritual, very woo-woo myself.

Um, But even though I was doing all this stuff, all this inner work, I was still feeling overwhelmingly, this anxiety in my body and this tension.

And I'm not perfect.

It's still there, you know what I mean?

It's not about.

I'm also going through assessment for neurodiversity, which again, I think is a lot, it's all linked, isn't it, mind body? Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, so again, only because I stumbled into it, really, that I learned this more body led approach because especially when it comes to trauma, we don't sometimes, I think there's 2 camps.

We either, we don't want to talk about it.

Or we can't, because we've suppressed that memory and people are asking us questions in therapy rooms, like, so how did that feel? Or, so tell me about that, like trying to get us back to that therapy is very much about the past.

Um, coaching, I always say this.

So like the difference between therapists and coaches and somatic coaching is therapists deal with your past and help you approach that.

Coaches are focussed on getting you to goals, getting you to the future.

Somatic coaching is about the present. And accessing the felt sense, the whole felt sense, to see how the body leads it.

So I am not telling you in somatic therapy, how to move your body or how to do this.

I teach you how to access deeper layers of your body, physical, emotional, if a story comes up.

The bod, that means the body and the nervous system feels ready.

But when not, the focus is not to dig for the trauma.

It's like, okay, we do it in little ways, what we call titration.

So little doses of charge of activation, but they're always coming back to presence in the body.

And I love this analogy, like I see the body as like, it's just like our soil and all we're doing is cultivating.

It looks like nothing is happening.

And honestly, I feel like my job shouldn't exist because in sessions, people, is it meditation?

Is it Reiki?

Is it this?

I'm like, everything, really.

Everything, yeah, yeah.

The main thing about it is what I do is cosmetic experiencing and lots of other things, but it's really the nervous systems love language is slowness.

We need that space and time that we just don't get, you know, and so I have sessions with clients and like half an hour in then they're like, it feels like they've done nothing inverted commas, but they're like, Oh my god, why are we not doing more of this?

Why is no one doing this?

So I really am, as you can tell, quite passionate about this?

I'm really on a mission that we absolutely need the mental health side and obviously Reiki's here and I think this somatic wave, if you will, is going to be the next Reiki, the next energy, because everyone is waking up to this somatic approach, but somatics in a word.

It's kind of like healing. It's such a big vast array of modalities really.

So people might go, oh, do you do you do breath work then?

Do you do movement?

I'm like, well, yeah, it can be, but it's led by you.

It's not me telling you, it's that bottom-up approach.

are you leading the session, immediately guiding, rather than the top down of saying, right, we're going to sit here, we're going to do this.

So it's very much client led.

Amazing.

absolutely love that.

So obviously you've talked about your healing for you personally and this has helped you heal.

Is there anything, you know, else that you can share that's helped you through this process?

Yeah, you know what?

I just want to say about, we're talking here.

I've talked a lot about one to one, but I really believe, you know, in collective and community, getting in person.

I personally am, um, you know, I moved recently and wanting to get back in person with people.

Obviously, I met you, Heather, through a wonderful in-person community and I think what a massive gap in our healing is community because we've lost it.

And our society is so individual and, oh, you know, I should be able to do this myself.

I always have this war within me, like when I'm working through my own stuff.

I'm like, come on, Claire, like you should know how to look after yourself now, but then the other head is going, no, we need to be witnessed in this.

This needs to be, we really heal and I know, you know, this puts the spaces where there's lots of spaces to go to now, but that's why I offer as well.

I do sort of group monthly sessions so people could get a taste of what it is and, you know, I used to want to run women's circles.

I want to get back to doing those, but in person, in retreat days.

I think, especially as women and like these kind of conversations.

Um, getting in person for me and getting in community is absolutely key to healing, um, whatever, whether it's big tea, little tea trauma, just like actually gathering round together, is is what I'm really passionate about as well.

Me too.

Me too.

It's so needed, isn't it?

Because, like you say, there isn't, you know, through the NHS and everything else, there isn't a lot of help is there and support.

I mean, it's obviously got better from when obviously we've gone through our traumas and stuff.

There is more, you know, circles and mental health groups coming up all the time, but still not enough.

And I think when you go to your GP and you think that you're going to them for help and those are the people that you look up to that are going to help you.

That you just more or less passed, depending on your GP, there's some, obviously amazing.

You know, I've heard people get amazing support from their GPs, but from my personal experience.

All I've been passed is medication.

Have this, have this, not get into the root of it, like, do you want me to refer you for counselling?

Do you want me to refer you for this?

You know, through all my journey, I've just been past, you know, have an antipressant, Heather.

Same, yeah, I've definitely, I've been down that road as well. And, and I get it, like the system's under a lot of pressure and they aren't trained in the holistic, you know, I hope in another 20 years time, there will be much. Oh, yeah. Well, it's like psychologists, like more psychologists are now looking at the somatic side and the body and realising, 0 yeah, we need to probably train up on this.

But if you think about the system and how it is.

Like, you, you with that system, whatever you have, like 5% of the time, and the other 95% of the time you're left with yourself.

So it is really up to you to have agency, of your own body, of your own journey, and finding the things that help you.

And it never ends, does it?

It's not like, 0 yeah, I'm here now.

I fixed.

Like the somatic work that I do is very slow, similar to therapy.

It, not a one and done thing.

I'm not going to promise you a quick fix.

Oh yeah, have one automatic session with me.

It's all done.

uh-uh.

So it's just really important to find those things, isn't it?

Like I said for me, community, being in my body, being able to share, like, you know, again, once my nervous system actually feels ready to have conversations like this.

It's not just me doing mindset work, it's me doing deeper nervous system work that's like, okay, we've got you.

We feel safe.

So yeah, it's about finding whatever works for you, really, isn't it?

Also it is, and it is like the NLP that I do in the deep work.

It's reprogramming the brain to reprogram situations, isn't it?

So you do feel safe to be able to, you know, it's training the mind, isn't it, and the body that it's now safe.

So thank you for sharing all that.

If listeners can take one thing away from this conversation today, what would you love it to be?

Oh, one thing.

I'm not good at one word answers.

That your body knows. Your body knows.

Yeah. And even I, I love a quote from it. I'm going to get, I'm going to absolutely balls it up now, but there's a wonderful book called Brading Sweetgrass.

Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.

It's very indigenous and about plants, but also about the body and the nervous system.

And it's like your body knows the way even when you feel lost.

So if I ask anyone is to, you know, I know it's not easy in this society when we're rushing around, but to really find ways to get into your body and no judgement either.

like, you know what?

We all operate from the neck up and it's like, it's not easy.

Um, but yeah, like finding ways to access and yeah, like actually really appreciate the body that you're in in this lifetime.

Definitely, definitely.

Well, thank you so much for being on this episode, Claire, and for sharing.

A difficult story. And like we said, what we said, you know, people judge, don't they?

And it's a taboo subject like baby loss.

So thank you for feeling safe enough to share that because I'm sure it will help some listeners out there.

So thank you for joining me today.

How can people come and find you on social media?

Yep, so I mainly hang out on Instagram.

Um, I am, Sofia.

Um, I've got my website, clare dash Sophia.com.

Yeah, I'm on other things, but I can't remember the addresses.

So I'll just Instagram, I'll come and find me on my website.

Yeah, thank you so much, darling.

you.

you.