Louise Fletcher - Daniel, Kate the Kidney, and the Work of Coming Home to Yourself

Well, welcome to this next episode, and on this episode.

I am joined with the lovely Louise Fletcher.

Hello, welcome.

Hello, thank you for inviting me, Heather.

Thank you.

My pleasure, my pleasure.

If we could help, even just one person by sharing your story today.

Then, I know, you agree.

We both done our job today, haven't we?

Absolutely.

Yes.

Or we start and get into your story.

Do you want to just tell people what you do, um, because your business is obviously fascinating as well, and um, I'm sure you'll be able to help people with your business too.

Oh, absolutely.

Thank you.

It's such a passion.

With what I do now.

So I help ladies become the leading lady in their own life, I help them stop people pleasing, looking for evidence in different places where it doesn't exist, stop and abandon, stop abandoning themselves.

You know, it's something I still do some days.

I abandoned myself because I don't put my needs first.

Yeah. It's just I'm going through this journey myself and I'm sharing it.

You know, there's a lot of work that I've done on myself.

I've done a lot of healing, and I'll know I'll be on this journey forever, learning things about myself, and I just want to share it with others so that, It helps them on their journey like it has.

I've got peace in my life and the internal chatter that is used to be constantly there is gone.

very, very lucky that, you know, still comes back occasionally, but I know how to quieten it.

That's it, isn't it?

We've got both.

We both been on a similar journey, haven't we?

We both are using that pain, that we've had and that trauma and the journey that we've been on and the things that we've learned along the way to help other women now.

And that's why we get on so much.

Well, I know, I know.

I'm so glad that you are in my life, Heather, honestly.

Darling.

So, Your story, thank you for obviously saying that you will share your story on this podcast today.

Do you want to share a little bit about your story?

and share about the beautiful Daniel.

Of course, yes.

So my story is from when I was in my early 20s, so a long time ago, the early 90s, and there was there was a lot of complications around my pregnancy.

I was really joyful that I had become pregnant, wasn't in a stab list of relationships.

It was very new.

You know, when things just all happen at the same time, and, um, and then, at the same time, I didn't know at the point that I was pregnant.

But there was something that was showing up in my body that I'd gone to the doctors about and at half past 10 at night, the doctor rang me and said there is a bed waiting for you in our local hospital.

This is, you know, as I say, very many years ago and my doctor was amazing and supported me.

And what they detected was that I had some sort of kidney issue.

So I was admitted into our local hospital and for them to do the test, they just said, is there any chance you could be pregnant?

Oh, that lovely question.

Yeah.

And I just said, um,

Well, you could maybe check.

Well, we've only been in this relationship a few months.

Um, like through 3 or 4 months or something like that, and they detected that, yes, I was pregnant.

So at this point I was about 4 weeks pregnant, something like that.

Um, and they'd said, you know, we can't do anything about finding out about your kidney condition because, you know, we need to be precious about, you know, your child, et cetera.

Um, and I was really excited.

I'd come from a broken family and all I'd ever wanted was a child of my own.

I just wanted to create a family of my own.

I forgot to put my mic on.

Can you hear me okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Um, And It was a joyful, I was so happy.

All I'd ever wanted was to create my own family.

Um,

And I loved being pregnant.

I just loved it.

I loved it.

I think I ate so much, so I looked more pregnant quicker.

But it was so joyful.

And then there was just when I got to about 25 weeks pregnant, um, I just noticed that I'd stopped growing and I didn't feel as much movement.

You know, when a baby moves inside you, there's just the joy that comes from it.

And I just noticed that there was a difference.

So we went to the doctors and said that I'd noticed a few less movements.

So they did a scan and they'd said, the scan took a few weeks and when I'd had the scan, it may be 28 weeks, they said, oh, he's just the size of an average 25 week old baby.

Okay, no worries.

He said, we'll keep looking.

You know, we'll scan you again in a few weeks.

And then through the process of a few more scans, they realised that he had he had actually stopped growing at that point when I detected it.

Um, So the choice was that he would be born.

They said, you know, for a child to be in special care baby unit in an incubator, when I obviously wasn't doing something, my body, not me, sorry, and I've done some work on a boat saying me, my body wasn't doing the job that it needed to do. And then he was born at 32 weeks, he paid, he weighed £one 13 ounces.

He was tiny, so tiny, but so perfect.

He was breathing on his own when he was born.

Wow, was he?

breathing.

Yeah, yeah, they put him on a ventilator just to save his strength, but they said he's breathing.

One thing I found out, I should have had an injection.

before he was he was born and it helps the baby's lungs.

Yeah, I do remember being on the bed going down to the operating room saying, excuse me, I haven't had the injection that I'm supposed to have.

And one of the ladies wheeling me down.

said, no, it's okay.

You don't need it.

And I was dealing with a lot of things on my own as well, even that this new relationship.

My, um, relationship with my mum was really fragmented.

I think that's why I was so happy about being pregnant and everything.

Yeah.

And it's I have since found out that I, yes, I should have had that injection.

I didn't have it.

It's a very long time ago, so I can't even look into it in any way.

Um, But what happened then was, um, I didn't really go and, I would go and see, but I was scared of touching again and I was thinking I'll, I'll hold him when he comes home.

So I didn't really hold him.

Oh, that brings a bit of emotion. Because I...

Yeah, I just I just convinced that he'd go home and I'd like go and talk to him and I felt like I was in the way if I went because the nurses were doing such a good job.

which is something that I've always carried, some of like, I felt like I was in the way growing up and as my son's here in special care, I'm thinking I'm in the way and that was my boy.

Sadly, he died at 6 days.

I'm using okay.

Only share what you feel safe to share.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just, you know, it's honouring him, isn't it?

And yeah, and then what turned out?

So I'll just pass forward.

So, you know, he did pass away.

was really sad.

Wasn't blessed with more children.

But then when I met my ex-husband in my late 30s and we'd said about, um, I'd said, I just want to be a mum.

I just want to be a mum and if we're going to get married, get let's get married 1st and all of that.

Had some investigations done and it turns out that they actually damaged both my fallopian tubes when I had the section to have Daniel.

Wow, really?

Never got pregnant.

All the time, you know, through life when you're like, oh, my God, I don't want to be pregnant. accidents might happen in relationships and I've been thinking, oh, I hope I'm okay.

It turned out

have never got pregnant anyway because they damaged both fallopian tubes.

So they managed to unblock one of them, which meant alternate months, I could have got pregnant and it didn't happen.

It didn't happen.

And really when I look back, they have now said that the condition I've got, which was detected a few weeks after Daniel had passed away, what my kidney condition was, didn't really know much about it then 30 odd years ago.

Um, but now they have said that possibly iGenathropathy, which is the disease kidney disease that I'd had in my body.

was possibly the reason why my son stopped growing.

until time goes on, is it?

No, not at all.

disease.

And I say what I had in my body because I've now had a kidney transplant and there's no detection of it.

So K to the kidney is keeping my body free from this at the moment.

There is a chance it comes back with this one.

We love cake to the kidney.

We love that.

I feel like I've had a child.

I feel like I've had a daughter by having a good transplant because I talk about K to the kidney.

I know, bless you.

Thank you for sharing that.

What was it like during that time emotionally for you?

What was happening for you emotionally?

When when Daniel passed away?

Yeah, or I need the journey, whatever you want.

There's different emotions throughout the journey, isn't there?

Oh my goodness.

When I like, I wrote my chapter that was in the book that the collaboration book that we did not too long ago.

Um, I wrote about, I wrote about 3 beds because I look at my journey in 3 beds of how some multiple things had happened and I felt very alone. Um, when Daniel was born and everything that was happening and then I had my partner.

But as I say, the relationship with my mum wasn't the best and it was heartbreaking, partly from me, partly from my mum and, you know, I'd come from a broken family.

So I internaled a lot, internalised a lot as this child and I was always like, pointing the finger, really, of blame at my mum, but, Parents have the life they have and they're trying to navigate it the best they can.

You know, my logical father left when I was young and was very inconsistent, you know.

So when I was in hospital, um, When I was diagnosed with some, both, they knew that something, they knew I was pregnant with something with my kidneys, I felt really alone, felt really, um, I wasn't in a good place in my life.

And then that was the April 92.

The October 92, Daniel was born, and I felt really, I felt alone as, even though I was in this relationship, and I remember, and I'm okay talking about this because my mum's read the chapter, but, um, I know when I got upset because I could see special baby care from my window.

There was like this grass area and I mean, there was like a square in the middle of these wards and I could see special care.

So I could see him and I knew where his bed was.

And sometimes I'd break down and my mum would go to comfort me and I'd go, no, I'm okay, and I'd shut the emotion down.

Because it was just the, you know, the relationship with my mum.

But if I fast forward so when Kate's the kidney was, was, you know, I'd had the phone call to say that they'd found a kid to me for kidney for me.

Me and my mum went to the hospital. And in the room, like my best friend and arrived back from holiday that day.

Everything was really well timed, and me, my mum, and my best friend picked the name of Katie.

And when I think of this makes me feel emotional.

The thing that when I look at the work I've done on me, I have a beautiful relationship with my mum.

So I look at those 3 like I, it's just completely different now than when I was in my early 20s from that 1st bed, the 2nd bed.

That 3rd bed that I was in all those years later, April as well.

There's lots of things that seem to happen in April.

But now when I look at my journey,

And with like with the relationship with my mom, like very different from being a scared 20.

I think it must have been 22 of, I think, of my age, to then being in a hospital ward.

Expect, you know, the Kate to the kidney was on her way.

Yeah.

I was in a really different place.

I was in a place of peace.

You were very young, weren't you, at 22 going skating within a brand new relationship on a few months old.

And then all this happens.

You know, it was a lot to take for a 22 year old.

You say you wasn't in a good place, your relationship with your mum.

Um, you know, you're in a new relationship, which is navigating its own thing, isn't it?

When you're in a new relationship, learning about each other.

And then you learn all of a sudden that you're pregnant.

Um, so so many emotions, isn't there, too?

with.

Just touch a little bit on the injection that you mentioned.

What was going through your mind at that time when the injection did you just believe the nurse at that time or did you really know?

What was happening for you?

I mean, obviously you've been taken to theatre, so it's probably lasting your mind to fight for that injection, I suppose.

And we believe those authority people in authority, I suppose, don't we?

I know.

I think when I look back, it's very much that, um,

And I'd say this tentatively.

I wish there was someone that was there with me at the time and would have been there to say, right, what does she need, right?

and take charge of it.

taking charge of my own life and the responsibility.

And I say this, Gently.

And you know, I'm not blaming anymore, but it would have been nice.

Um, If someone would have been, I think I was saying at the time, it's fine.

You just leave me to it.

I'm all right.

I'm in hospital.

No one needs to be with me.

I don't know what.

don't know why my partner wasn't with me, whether he was working or I don't know.

Oh no, sorry, he was somewhere because he was stood outside the operation room.

I don't know why.

There was just, I went in that bed on my own.

to operation.

I was on my way and she just said, oh, you don't need it.

And I suppose when all this is going through your head.

I'm carrying all this emotion anyway that I'm carrying on a daily basis that takes over most of my mind because I was just,

Not angry.

It's not rejected all the time.

I was injection that was carrying with me.

And I didn't want to be a burden again.

I didn't want to be a burden to someone and when someone says, oh, you don't need it.

I'm like, oh, I won't.

I won't put my head up and say, excuse me, I don't agree with you.

I was like, oh, I don't want to, think if I look back, I'd probably think, oh, I don't want to, like, okay, I'll just, I don't want to be a burden or, and it just, there was no one there to make that decision to go, hang on a minute.

No, she actually needs this.

Wait, stop.

Yeah.

I think anybody's listening to it.

I mean, it's easier said than done, isn't it? when you're in that moment.

Um, because you do go into that people, please, in mode, you're going through all your emotions yourself.

You're just about to obviously have a baby.

Um, and then you've got a nurse in authority saying that you don't need it.

So I suppose, but I would say to anybody listen to it, I'm sure you agree if something doesn't feel right.

Speak up.

Yes, definitely.

It could have been a very different story for me with Daniel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We don't know.

In hindsight, it might not have made a difference, but for me to, I carry, I, it's, this is something I carry just a thing, if only I'd pushed.

But, you know, everything happens, how it happens, doesn't it?

But yeah, I would say that if there's anyone, make sure, because I've since spoke to people and they've said, that is the most important part about having a panic baby.

You have to have that injection.

So yeah, if this is the one message that comes from this is make sure everything that's been discussed with you.

Make sure you've got someone who helps you with that decision.

Yeah, because it's tough and you're going through all that.

It's tough for you to make them decisions because you're not really in that state of the right state of mind, I suppose, are you?

All the hormones, the upset, the worry, the, you know, everything that's going on for you.

It's making sure, like you say, you do have somebody that can.

you know, fight for you or insist on things happening when you're not in a place to do that.

And I suppose, you know, at the age I was.

Um, Yeah, 20, I just turned 23 when I think about it.

Like, my partner was somewhere in the hospital, but I wasn't.

Like if something happens now at my age.

I'd be saying, certainly with what was happening with Kate the kidney, I was very much about this is needed.

I like said that, you know, these are the things that are needed.

Maybe if I'd been older or maybe because he was that he saw me being wheeled in and he saw Daniel being rushed out, you know, he saw them carrying him.

for me to say to the, to him and he, I, apparently they said, I need this, this, and this.

But I never, never shared that information.

So it's all about,

Sharing that information as they don't don't be doing everything on your own.

Your own, yeah.

No, definitely.

How was that, how did that experience affect how you saw yourself at that time?

So what I did, because I was so good at doing it at the time, I pushed everything down.

Yeah.

We're still going to doing that, aren't we?

Oh, good.

I'd been doing it from a very young age.

So I just, I sort of made some peace that I'd say, well, he just wanted to come and say hello and he had a better, you know, like another job he had to do.

And, you know, God wanted him for something different.

Just to like.

Give a reason why.

But I pushed it down, but it's quite interesting that through the work that I do now, I was working on something about confidence.

It's like, what, I feel like, I feel like I'm lacking confidence somewhere.

Where does that come from?

And it took me back to being pregnant and It was that I couldn't carry a child.

I wasn't confident in my abilities because I couldn't carry a child to full term.

It was a mind, like, this epiphany.

Like, oh, my goodness, I'm holding myself back because my subconscious believes that, you know, this is what I was holding onto.

So I went and did a session about why am I not confident in this area and it came out.

Because I was believing that.

Yeah, I, How can I be confident when I can't carry a child?

It was, it was the most. Yeah, mind blowing thing.

Is amazing, isn't it?

How our brain stores things and things affect us in length. And this is what I've taught now on this podcast and why I help the women I do because it's not just about the grief and the baby laughs or not having a child or whatever your journey story is.

It's how it impacts you as well going forward and the limiting beliefs it creates.

And I was really...

It's not valuable, Heather.

It really is.

Oh, thank you, darling.

And it is, it's like, like you had to tie the dots up.

Where does this lacking confidence come from?

And I think some women might not know why they're struggling in life or the work or the business or the, you know, the relationships that they've got now. And it's really important to, like you say, you've done that work, haven't you, and find out where it's come from?

So we can work on it and clear those blocks.

Yes, absolutely, because for a whole life, like I said, I pushed it down and for my whole life, my, like, up to 5 like, early 50s, that's what I'd always done.

I just said, I just, I just didn't acknowledge it.

I didn't look at it.

I just push it down and every time it was another thing on top and another thing on top and another thing on top.

And it really affected me without me allowing her to, We've got to be open to this, haven't we?

We've got a... Definitely for me.

Not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy of having anything, not feeling worthy of having a successful business, of a hold on to all these babies, why would I hold on to a successful business and I look back now and think, oh, that, you know, it affected relationships.

I didn't feel good enough to have a relationship, so I just self sabotaged everything in my life.

So it is, it effect, it doesn't have just, it's not just about grief, is it?

And process.

There's so much more to loss or trauma.

That affects us as a whole.

know.

And I and I had to, I played stepmom twice.

And I loved it.

I did love it.

I made the children like the most of the relationship.

Thankfully, those relationships failed.

But it was always, I just want, I've always wanted to be a mum.

That's all I wanted growing up because I came from a broken family that was, and I probably pushed that on relationships.

It wasn't about how was this relationship amazing and can this man hold me emotionally or does he get me?

It was a case of, I want a family.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's talk about support and help now because I think that's important to talk about as well.

Obviously, you know, you've already said that you felt lonely.

on that journey.

What, you know, what helped you get through that time?

No.

Filling my life with as many things so I couldn't think about it.

Nothing, yeah.

So.

Yeah, just I was searching and I was searching externally for all the different things that might hold the answer to what would help me feel better and I was always disappointed not for the situations I chose, but.

I just, I went in with the wrong expectation.

Yeah, somewhere, even in jobs.

I picked jobs thinking, oh, maybe this might feel like a family.

Yeah.

Tears of the night.

What the knowing what you know now and the healing journey that you've been on.

What do you wish that you'd done differently through that time or what support do you wish that you'd had through that time?

Oh gosh.

I always think everything happens as it's supposed to because I feel like I've got more knowledge having gone through more things to understand things.

Um.

Gosh, what comes up because I wish I'd had a dad.

Oh, really?

And yeah, you know, um,

But that's, yeah, that's just the 1st thing and I've obviously done a lot of work on that, but just to have that support of someone that was my blood that would say I'm, you know, everything's going to be all right.

I'm proud of you.

So, you know, I'm very, um, I shouldn't really say the word envious, but people who have mums and dads.

I know that they can like, some people say to me, they're not always what they think they're cracked up to be, but it's because they're on their own journey.

I think.

I wish I'd been more open to support.

I wish I'd spoken more.

I think, let me stick with this.

I think what's coming up is, I wish I'd spoken more about what I was actually feeling with the people that were around me, because everyone thinks that I'm the one that's got it all together.

Yeah, that's what I've portrayed.

So everyone's like, oh, well, we don't need to bother about Louise because she's fine.

Well, let's go and look at these other people that, um, that's my perception anyway, but maybe been more open.

I wish I'd done the work earlier.

that I've done now in a lot of ways, but I know, as I say, it's panned out the way that it has because I understand so much more because I've gone through much more than just child loss.

Um, Fact, if, like, we keep saying about one thing that comes from this call.

The one thing is, Search someone like you out.

search someone like me out, search someone who that they resonate with to help help to find the right help sooner.

Know that you're enough, that you can heal, that you are enough to feel better, that you don't have to carry what you carry.

That you are worthy of having that, you're worthy of having some peace in your life without carrying all of this baggage that you have.

Totally.

That's absolutely beautiful.

And I totally agree.

It's like so many women and we've done it as well.

We struggle in silence.

We don't speak out.

Um, we don't want to feel a burden.

We don't want to feel, oh, well, they might not believe me or if I do ask for help and I don't get it, then I'm just letting myself down, I suppose, because I think that's what I felt as well.

We have expected.

Yeah, it's... I think having been a burden because I felt like I was a burden because I thought my mum and dad had split up because of me or something and it was...

Yeah, never.

Yeah.

Is that worthiness, isn't it?

And we're always, we're here for a good time, not a long time and it's about finding someone that can give you that peace.

Yeah.

So you're ending words to this, Louise.

What would you say to people watching this now? If they're going through something similar right now, what would you say to them?

Find someone who you resonate with, find someone who shares their story and you think they know, they understand.

Find that person that can help you uncover the things that you're holding onto because.

holding on to things doesn't serve us, doesn't it?

Just holding on to things does not serve us. And you can have peace.

You can have peace.

So,

Yeah.

Find the person that you resonate with that you feel safe with to do the work so that you can have this piece.

That's it.

Because if you don't share, you don't speak, you're never going to get that inner peace, it's always going to be there.

And I think as well is,

We bottle so much in, don't we?

Not just the life throws us all sorts of things, doesn't it?

And we, it's like a,

Obviously, they can't see a video.

My hand's moving, but it's like a jar, isn't it?

You put so much in the jar, but almost so much is going to be able to fill in that before the joy lid is going to pop off.

So it's tackling these things and seeking that help and support before it actually comes to that explosion where you either have a breakdown or something happen, you know, something where it really affects your mental health as well.

So it's tackling these things, I think, early.

You know, I'd done that as spoken out.

I've kept a lot of things to myself.

You know, things that I've been through and it, I do wish now that I'd spoken out.

Yeah, and it's knowing that there's different levels of work, isn't there?

Yeah.

We've both experienced this.

You know, we can talk about things, but we still go round in a loop.

It's about doing something where we look at the deeper, we're looking at the mindset around it, looking at the subconscious beliefs, the limiting beliefs.

So you can start with one level and talking about it, but you always know that when you've spoke about it.

It eases it a little bit but it comes back.

And that's because you just do some deeper work and that's where I say, you know, that person.

Like you share the, you know, that you've invested really heavily in what you do to help yourself 1st but then to help other women as well.

And men, if, you know, if men, you know, men ago go through the loss as well as us, don't they?

Totally. Totally.

But yeah, it's been it's been open to it as well, isn't it?

But there's, yeah.

Yeah, one last question, yeah.

If you could speak back to that younger 22 year old, what would you say to her now?

I've done quite a lot of work on this.

I just tell her I was proud of her.

I was proud of her for what she actually navigated what she handled, the way that.

Yeah.

Even though she may have made some choices that.

Didn't serve, it was what she.

Did at the time with the knowledge that she has or had, and I am just so proud of how she navigated it.

That's what I'd say.

Life could have been very different.

But she went down the right path that brought me here.

That's it.

I always say the universe has a plan for us.

Absolutely.

Definitely.

Well, thank you so much for sharing your story and being so open.

I'm sure it will help somebody out there.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart from being brave enough to share that and sharing your experience.

I know there's so much more to your story.

But where can they come and find you on social media, Louise, if they want to come and connect with you?

So Instagram, I am Louise Fletcher.

On Facebook, if they put the, is Louise Fletcher shines on the end of the URL, you know, the facebook.com forward slash Louise Fletcher shines, and my new website will be up and running very short, the witches, in fact, just go to those two.

For now, they can reach out to me that way.

Thank you so much, Louise.

Thank you for everybody.

That's tuned in.

If this has resonated with you or you think it'll resonate with somebody else.

So thank you for tuning in and look forward to you joining me in the next episode.

So thank you for tuning in and look forward to you joining me in the next episode.